my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
