i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
