My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Vodka?
Forever.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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