maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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