Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
