i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
