I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
