My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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