I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
