this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Dear god my vagina.
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