First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
