I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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