I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize