he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize