You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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