I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Randomize
