so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
