If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
