My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
