I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
