I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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