oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Are my feet made of real feet?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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