please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
