I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
