Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
