I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
