Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
