My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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