you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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