THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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