I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
