we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize