I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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