I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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