i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
