I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
