this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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