had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
