After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
