I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
