bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
