i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
