I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
