If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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