if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
