drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
