Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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