planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
