mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
And then he peed in my hair
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