So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Randomize
