I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
They have beer where we have blood.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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