Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
