I feel great
I just peed on a car
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
