In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
bring money and cleavage
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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