Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
