do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
