My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think I won the penis lottery.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
