you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
