Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
