i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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