K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
