Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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