The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
