Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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